Closing Out, Looking Up: Days 99-101

So it is time that I close-out this 101 Days of Gratitude Project. I slowed down a lot the past few weeks in my posting, but been grateful none-the-less! Here's the gratitude tribute for my last few days.

Day 99: Morning Walks

If it weren't for my dogs, I would probably never get up and walk in the morning. But as soon as I wake up, the pups are all ready to walk out the door and greet the day with sniffs and pees. Pretty persistent little buggers, so I find I can't help but appease them.

I find that more and more I am happy to be walking out the door, even though only a few minutes before I was tucked away on a comfy bed enjoying the last moments of my slumber.  I find that being outside, seeing the morning unfold in its own unique way, and getting my body moving feels to be one of the most natural and necessary ways to start the day.  I think my body likes it as much as my dog's do.


Day 100: Brunch with my Parents

In the past few years, I've started this weekly ritual with my parents to meet them at brunch. We go to this place, the Riviera Restaurant  up in North Tampa.  We've actually been going to this place since I was a little kid, and some of the staff has been there that long too.

Though we've been patrons of this place for over twenty years, our weekly ritual is fairly new in that time span.  My parents started to go out weekly on Sundays and invited me out once; when I found out they had been going every week, I didn't want to be left out!  Its been our regular thing ever since.

It's great because it give us a regular chance to see each other and catch up. Without something like this it is easy to get caught up in life and not see them for a few weeks.  I like them too much to do that. As much as they are my parents and by virtue can annoy me sometimes, I also know that our Sunday times together is something that I will come to cherish. Wait, it is something that I do cherish. They won't be around forever, so I better hang out with them now.

And hey, breakfast is part of the deal, can't argue with that!


Day 101: This Project!

It only seems appropriate to acknowledge my thankfulness for getting myself to do this project.  It is amazing to see all the transformation that emerged from strengthening my 'gratitude muscle.'  Now, it is a lot easier for me to recognize my gratitude for small to big things.  It is harder to not acknowledge my gratitude even for the unfortunate things, which ends up making them not-so-unfortunate. I find that is even a little bit easier to receive the gratitude of others, because I know what that really means.

May this not be the end, but a new beginning! I hope I have inspired some others to incorporate more gratitude into their lives in one way or another. And I plan to do this again, next August. Can't wait to see all that I will be grateful for then!

Day 98: A Full Night's Sleep

A few weeks ago, I was lucky to be getting 6 hours of sleep per night. Part of this was due to over-scheduling myself and not allowing time for rest. As much as I am thankful for the abundance of work the universe has given me lately, I have to tell myself that I can only do so much before I start to suffer from it.

Then something happened last week. I don't know what exactly, but I found myself yawning after 9pm and crawling into bed before 10 - almost every night! I have never been one to go to bed early until last week. And it was great! I started getting 8+ hours of sleep every night and wondered how I was managing before.

Night time has often been my time to write and post my gratitude over the past few months, and going to bed early is part of what has kept me from finishing this project. And I am totally okay with that. As much as I believe it is important to keep with my word to myself and finish my project, I think my health is a little more important.

Here's to sleep and right decision-making!

End of 101 Days! Well, Not Quite...

101 Days ago I began an ambitious project to to celebrate gratitude daily for over 3 months on several social media outlets. I would post a picture on Instagram (which would also post on Facebook and Twitter) and I would write a blog on here. The gratitude part is easy, but I hadn't realized when I began how I could get caught up in the putting myself out there part.

When I reflect on where I was coming into this project, deciding to embrace social media and dive right in, I see how it lead me to create this challenge. And it did what I hoped it would. It got me to write and reflect more, share that with other people, and even inspire some others to start their own gratitude lists.  This practice has also helped me to become a better writer. I've also seen some incredible transformations in my life since I began including substantial increase in my work schedule, submitting for my first TEDtalk, publishing a chapbook, and just feeling great most of the time.

I also see how I have farther to go. But I think that's just the way things are. There's no end to the upward spiral, just an ever wider and fuller view of from where you've come. I had a conversation with a client that  was asking about what to do about the tendency to beat themselves up inside and reflecting on my own experience all I could offer was that you have to move through it. We learn how to maneuver it. Maybe it becomes less like a struggle and more like a dance.

Gratitude is a good tool to change things up inside. For me it gives my awareness something new and positive to focus on rather than the negative. The more I strengthen that gratitude pathway, feeling genuine in my appreciation, the easier it it for me to draw my attention to those things even when I want to feel down.  This is a constant practice that will hopefully go on throughout my life. This reminds me of something else I have reflected on recently...

So since I am still a few days short of 101, I have decided to keep posting when I get a chance until I reach 101. That okay with you? I knew you'd understand.

Now the question is: What are you grateful for?

Day 97: Time Off

As I have expressed in previous posts recently, it has gotten difficult to find the time and energy to post on here everyday.  I have been blessed with more work than I had been used to the past few months, and that has caused me to get behind a bit in my gratitude project. But I have still been grateful everyday for all kinds of things, and that is what really matters. Besides, I can't help but wonder if my increased gratefulness over the past few months is part of what has contributed to my abundance of business all of a sudden. Hmmmm....one will never know for sure, but I'll be grateful for it anyways.

One big lesson from the past few weeks has been scheduling time off for myself. I started working 8-12 hours a day over a 6 or 7 day stretch mainly because I was still in the attitude of taking business whenever business is there and had neglected to schedule myself regular days off.  Phew! Since I most often work on Saturdays, I have decided to let Monday be my day off.  It won't fully go into effect for the next few weeks, but going into 2013 I will no longer take appointments on Monday. Whoo-hoo!

I also scheduled for myself a week at the beginning of the year to rest and recharge. I am not sure exactly what I will be doing with this time, but I know it is there and that foresight of relief is really all that matters.

Day 96: A Strong Relationship

Things have a way of getting uncomfortable real quickly, but with the right tools and a little patience, you can turn discomfort into deeper connection in no time.

My boyfriend and I had a brief miscommunication tonight and had about 10 minutes of uncomfortable-ness between us. It was a small thing that didn't need to be a big deal but we were both in a place that we got easily emotionally charged about it. Before I knew it we were both upset and neither were helping to make it better.

I have observed enough about the world to know this is not a unique scenario to only us. Every couple has moments like these, and though they are not fun, it is always an opportunity for growth. At least that is how I see it.

I am blessed to be in a relationship where we sort of have an unspoken policy: no one leaves upset. Even though that is exactly what we want to do sometimes, my boyfriend and I have a habit of staying with the discomfort, of holding on through it, of coming out the other side still loving and caring.  I believe this makes all the difference, creating a stronger bond each time.

And that's what we did tonight. It is amazing how hurt and blame can so quickly turn into love and adoration.     The next time you are in a situation that has become uncomfortable, if it is not dangerous to your well-being,  see if you can just stay with it for a bit.  If it is with someone you care for deeply, chances are those feelings will begin to trump any pains to your expectations, beliefs, or ego and you might feel your heart expand just a little more. I did and will say it was all worth it.

Days 88-95: Time that Flies By and a Whole Lot of Gratitude

I can't believe it is already Monday and that by the time I get to actually posting this Monday will be practically over. It might already be Tuesday, who knows [and as it turns out, this didn't get posted until Wednesday]. All I know is that it seems overnight, all of my time has gotten accounted for.

My last post was Wednesday and everyday since then has been filled with productivity and a whole lot to be grateful for.

Thursday: This was my doggy's dental appointment which turned out to cost me much less than I thought it was going to. In addition to this great financial outcome, I saw one of my regular client's this day who bought herself a new package and included in her check a VERY large tip. Having seen me for over 100 sessions, she has given me a gift like this once before and both times my jaw dropped. In the note on the check she wrote, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Happy Thanksgiving indeed. Let's just say that it would pay for several doggie dental bills, but it will probably just pay off my credit card debt, which is such a blessing. My day ended with an amazing open mic night at Cafe Hey where I felt honored, cherished, and loved. I left early because I was exhausted and had several long days ahead of me. I was thankful to have someone else who can run the show and give me time to go home and relax, since that time has been few and far between lately.

Friday: I started my day at Gaither High School, my second school this year in the Arts Council's Poetry Jam program that I get to do every year. I am one of the Arts Council's poets that visits schools around the county and share a love of writing and the power of poetry and the spoken word. AND I GET PAID FOR THIS. I am eternally grateful to Gianna Russo, my poetry teacher, who suggested my name to the Arts Council when they were looking for poets.  These often involve me being at high schools before 8am, but I don't care. This is one of the best jobs I could ask for; the only part I would change is to be able to do this all year long. I was at Gaither until 2pm, then had a little time off before an evening client. It gave me time to go to the bank, stop by Kaleisia for some tea and a snack and take a little time to review the final proof of my chapbook that will be debuted this week. What an amazing Friday...

Saturday and Sunday: I spent all weekend in the first workshop in the CranioSomatics training program. Back in 2006 I started studying Structural Energetic Therapy, developed by my teacher Don McCann, who combines cranial releases with deep tissue bodywork.  Don learned the cranial work from Dallas Hancock, the creator of CranioSomatic therapy. Now I am learning the cranial work for my teacher's teacher, and it is blowing my mind! I am only at the beginning of the training but will say that touching the cranium will never be the same again. I spent two days filling my head with all this new awareness of the cranium, and it is a good thing we did some releases on each other because frankly, I need a little more room in there to fit all this information! It was great to reconnect with some of my previous class mates and fellow therapists and I am SO excited to integrate this work into my practice. Six months ago I decided that this would be the next step for my practice. I am thankful that it is finally coming to fruition (and I should also mention, that my mom helped me pay for the class!).

Monday: Here we are at Monday. I am writing this is the morning but know that the day will bring me more to be grateful for. I know this because I welcome it. If there is anything I've learned from this continuous gratitude practice is that when you are open to the world, it opens for you. I have had so many opportunities emerge in the past few months that I can't do anything but be thankful. Something that takes almost no time at all, makes the biggest difference. So I am thankful for today and the time I had to write this post.

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Now it is Wednesday and I haven't even posted all this yet! Let's recap and get back on track.

Monday (revisited): Monday turned into a great day! I saw three clients and got to try out some of my new techniques, with great success.  My day ended with seeing a bunch of my family at Skipper's for a big fundraiser concert. Though I am sure the musicians that night were super talented and deserved respect, I was really only there to hang with my family.  And I was glad they were there because I made a bad choice for my parking spot and got my car stuck in a bunch of sand. My male cousins knew exactly what to do and got me out of the hole, which involved rolling back up over a steep step, scraping the bottom of my car and popping off the corner of the front bumper. But here is where gratitude comes in: I was super thankful that it wasn't any worse (like leak-inducing or something) and that I already had plans to take my car in the shop the next day for routine maintenance. All in all, it turned out okay.

Tuesday: I woke up not feeling too well and wondering if I needed to cancel my work. I went to work anyways and was relieved to find out my first client wasn't feeling well either. I moved my second client (who was coming in for a double session) to another day and had the whole afternoon to catch up with things. It was just what I needed. Though I am grateful to be so busy with work I am also grateful for understanding clients. I felt good by the afternoon and stayed to see my last client for the day. It was the second time I had seen her and the session was incredibly powerful. I am thankful to be increasingly working with clients on all levels, mind, body, and spirit.  This is truly what I am here to do.

Wednesday: Now, here we are. Today I am thankful for some time to just be. My days have gotten really full, as the rest of this post explains, but I am learning more and more the lesson of finding that quiet time within. I was able to take some time this afternoon to just enjoy and breathe, which was a great way to get ready for another Tea + Meditation at Kaleisia this evening.

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Yay! I am glad to be back on the wagon. Only a few more days to go before the end of this project. I suspect, though, gratitude will continue to be a driving force of positivity in my life. After these past few months, it seems like I can only see it as essential.

Day 87: My Period

Okay. This one might be a little personal, but its my blog! I can totally get personal. And I imagine that people have written about way worse things on the internet.

Yes, I am thankful for my period (which I did start today, btw). I didn't always feel this way. Hated it, really, for the first 10 years or so of having it. But over the last few years something changed.  I started to see it as the cleansing process that it is. There's a refreshing quality to the monthly shedding.  Like the change from summer to fall, I see it has a mark of another turn of the wheel, another rotation in the cycle. It's not the earth's cycle or the clock's cycle, it's MY cycle.

And it's the affirmation that I am, indeed, not pregnant, which is probably the source of the joy most women feel when I see their period has arrived. That's something that I am thankful for right now too.

Day 86: Choice

With this national day of choice and decision, I am going to honor choice. Not only am I thankful being able to cast my vote for president and other offices and ammendments, but I am thankful for the thousands of choices I get each day.

Other fellow Librans may be thrown off by a gratitude for choice, especially those educated in French Existentialism, believing that it is our endless choices that condemns us, but I will argue that it is also what frees us. At least, it is what frees me.

So today I am grateful for all the choices I have made, sound and dumb, that have brought me here to this moment, right now. When I think about it, it's a pretty good moment, this one. I am willing to bet the next is just as uniquely great also.

Day 85: Salads!

I love salads.  When I get myself to make them, I am always so thankful I did. It is like I am eating life in a bowl. I feel my best when salads are a main part of my diet. 

This doesn't always happen but I can say in the past 24 hours I have eaten three salads.  I ate them alongside latkas I made with russet potato, sweet potato, carrot, zucchini and onion. It was a veggie fest!

At least it makes up for the 6 cookies I've had in the past 24 hours too...

Days 80-84: A Growing Business

Something has happened over the past few weeks: I've had a lot more work than I am used to. Between completing this manuscript, seeing slightly over my weekly goal of clients the past few weeks, preparing two workshops, and all the normal stuff I need to take care of, it seems like I am working all the time!

This is a good thing, a very good thing, but if I don't watch myself, it is a bit tiring as well. All minor complaints aside, it is exactly where I want to be. Building a business is a challenging task. I am educating myself on practically every aspect of business owning all on my own. I get a little help here and there but for the most part, it is all up to me.

I am learning big lessons in time management. Part of the reason I have neglected my gratitude posts the past few days is that I didn't find the right way to fit it in my busy days. This is the wrong way to think about it.

It seems interesting to me that I have not done any extra advertising or marketing, but I have gotten busier. I believe that having and expressing more gratitude has something to do with it.

So my new mantra is "Gratitude will get me through." So far it has, and I bet it would for you too.

Day 79: Date Night

So things have gotten busier for me. Good, but how do I keep up? One area that has taken a hit is spending time with my boyfriend. A year ago, we spent several night a week together and even substantial time most weekends. I now consider that luxurious. Between seeing more clients in the evening (my client's most coveted times) or trying to make it to a yoga class at least one night a week, I've had less and less time to devote to my relationship.

Our solution: Date Nights. Usually nothing special, we make some dinner at home and do some good ol' couch cuddling and I am in heaven. I have come to cherish these times.  Instead of just assuming we'd be seeing each other most nights and then get disappointed when it doesn't work out for days, we decide earlier in the week which night works the best for both of us. Like an upcoming vacation, I look forward to those nights all week.

I'm not opposed to spontaneity, but for the essential things in life, I can't rely on the stars lining up all on their own. They did the big part of bringing this great love into my life, but I must do the work to keep the fires burning.

Day 78: Morning Yoga

One critical and ongoing assignment of my yoga teacher training is  to create and maintain my own personal practice. That means practicing yoga by myself at home with no teacher, no studio, to one keeping me accountable except myself. Luckily, I have been meeting with an experienced yoga teacher who has been guiding me through the process of creating a manageable home practice (and not feeling bad about the days when it doesn't happen).

I have done okay with integrating yoga into my nightly routine fairly regularly, but it is the morning practice I often miss. This is generally because I wake up and immediately want to start working on the things I need to get done in the morning. You know, bathing, eating breakfast, and getting to work like any productive American should. But I also know that taking those first few minutes in the morning for myself will help me truly productive in all that I do during the day.

The last time I met with Ruben Vasquez, my teacher, he showed me a very simple sequence that can be done in just a few minutes. Ruben wrote about this sequence on his blog and even made a video. Maybe this is something you can add to your practice too.



For the past 10 days or so, I have incorporated this sequence into the start of my day and feel a little more grounded and present. It doesn't take long, and I am finding more and more that I am adding some other postures to the sequence and even sometimes a full sun salutation.

Finally on the path to a morning practice! One day at a time...

Days 76 & 77: Good Times and Good Friends

I took my friend's biking accident as a sign that I needed to go visit him.  It turns out I haven't been to Gainesville in over six years. A crime when I consider that two of my best friends live there.

So this past weekend I drove up to this town, with my two dogs and massage table.  I had wanted to work on my friends because it is the best I can do in a time of stress. We talked, made great food, and had some healing sessions. Healing for me too.

I've known these friends since elementary and middle school. There is something so comforting about knowing someone so long. I think to myself, "Well, they must like me or else we wouldn't have been friends this long..." and they do. They do.

Day 75: A Beautiful Day

It has been pretty dreary the past few days that I am ecstatic to see blue skies again. There is nothing I love more than green trees with the bright blue sky behind it. Below is the view from my room at the office that I am getting to enjoy while doing computer work.

In fact, I love sites like this so much, I even wrote a poem about it years ago. It will be appearing in my upcoming chapbook, As Light Ascends, from Beauty is Beauty Press. Here's a preview:

Messages from the Sky

There is something to say

The view from my office window today
...makes work seem less like work somehow

about the contrast of colors

that occurs with sky and trees–

how that buoyant blue

is somehow made brighter

behind branches bursting

with green so graciously. 

Same with the shadowed

egg-shell shade of clouds

that slides with ease of water,

and the airplane in the distance,

disguised as a diamond

perched among peach petals

gently cascading on some

celestial scenery.

Above these sky-scenes

Heaven is sure to prove its transparency;

but from this terrestrial position

the impression is a perpetual fluctuation

between Eden and perfection.

Day 74: Following Dreams

So, it is kinda a dream of mine to do a TEDtalk. I have been inspired by many of these substance-filled free online videos, and think that I might have a things or two to add to the TED tradition. When I received word that USF is hosting a TEDx (independently organized TED event) and accepting applications, I knew I had to go for it.

To apply, I must explain in 200 words or less my "big idea" and how it relates to theme of the conference, which is "the edge of the future," create an outline of the 3-4 points I want to cover, and send a link to a 2-3 minute video of me talking about my "big idea."

So here's my video. Wish me luck!

Day 73: Sushi

Tonight I had sushi for probably the fifth time within the past month. Now, two of those were Publix sushi, which isn't quite as indulgent as going out for sushi, but still. That's a lot of going out for me.

Sushi is one of those things that I love to indulge in. I love the freshness, the variety, the textures and flavors. Its always its own unique experience, especially with great company, conversation, and connection.

But sushi is also something that I've decided to enjoy it while I can, because I'm not so convinced that sushi as we know it will always be readily available or affordable.

In light of the last post, I would also say that all things in life need to be enjoyed while they can, decadent dining included.

Day 72: Not So Serious Accidents

A few weeks ago, on the night before my birthday, I wrote my good friend, Joe, an email.  I've known Joe since 3rd grade, longer than I've known almost all of my friends.  Joe and I were really close in high school and the first few years of college, but then he moved to Gainesville to be a serious scientist. Between school, work, and distance, we don't get to see each other as often as we did years ago.  Still, when we do it's like no time has passed.

I wrote Joe this email the night before my birthday because I realized that I had not done what I had promised myself I would do: call him on his birthday. Joe's birthday is exactly a week before mine and even with our busy schedules and intermittent visits, Joe always calls to wish me a happy birthday. You know how often I've had the forethought to call him on his birthday? It's probably less than half the fingers on one hand. Sad.

So the last time I saw Joe I said, "I am calling you on your birthday this year." I made this big deal about it, even when he tells me, "Nyssa, it's no big deal." It was to me, I thought.

Fast forward a few months and I found myself the night before my birthday realizing that no phone call from me to Joe occurred within the week prior.  Though I didn't keep my word I figured I'd do the next best thing and write him an email sharing how much our friendship means to me.  I may not be able to remember to call at the right time, but I can express how I feel, and I thought that Joe would appreciate that more than a birthday wish.

And he did.

So today I found out from another really good friend of mine, who's also Joe's long-term girlfriend, that Joe was in a biking accident recently. Her email said that it wasn't too serious but that he did have to get surgery and metal plates in his face. Though I was shocked by this news, I was calmed by the word that it wasn't too serious.

I couldn't help but think of that email I sent him a few weeks ago and how I was so glad that I wrote it when I did. It was my reminder that things can get real serious, real fast, and birthdays or not, I better tell my friends I love them and that I'm glad they are still here.

Life may not give me any guarantees but that doesn't mean that I can't give it gratitude. I am thankful to be here at all. And I am thankful Joe is still here too.

Day 71: Biking to Yoga

Well, first off I am thankful today that I finally made it back to one of my favorite yoga classes. It has been a struggle the past few weeks to make it to yoga class.  I have been getting out of work just late enough to miss most classes that I like to go to. So when my client for this evening rescheduled I said, "Yes! I'm going to yoga."

But not only did I go to yoga tonight, I rode my bike. I live only a 5 minute drive from the studio, so on bike it is a 10 minute ride, tops. With the weather cooler but not cold, this is the perfect time for an evening ride.

The class itself is a challenging one, which is why I enjoy it so much, and when I first starting attending it last Spring, I thought I'd be crazy to bike to it. Since I leave the class pooped, how would I ever get home?  But the more I went the more I found that I wasn't leaving the class exhausted, but energized.

So tonight I got home in just enough time to feed the dogs, change my clothes and grab my bike.  It was the best decision.  I feel like I used my body they way it wants to be used, needs to be used. After an hour and some of intense yoga and riding to and from I feel so alive. Why don't I do this everyday?

Then I suggest to my future self: Why don't you do that tomorrow?

Day 70: Another Birth Experience

Today I got to experience my 5th birth with a doula client.  Though I actually wasn't at her birth because it became a cesarean delivery, I still got to support someone else through the hard work of labor and the joy of holding your baby for the first time.

Each birth is a new experience. It's own rhythm, its own rules, its own ritual of welcoming in a new life into the world. There is so much about it I still don't know, but I'm learning more how as a support person, I don't need to worry so much about the medical side of it as I need to channel my own knowing as a caretaker of life. I'm not a mother myself, yet, but I know there is a deep part of me that knows how to do it already.

Although, I know enough to know that if I read the above statement years from now as the mother of a 7 or 8-year-old, I will probably laugh at how much I thought I knew that I knew. Just like how birth never goes the way we think, I suspect parenting is the same way, except it is everyday.

But for now, I will give myself the comfort of confidence.

Days 66, 67, 68 & 69:

I just wrote the word "thankful" so many time in one email, I decided to get back on the Grateful wagon.

For the past few days I have found it difficult to sit down and write about my gratitude. I admit, 101 Days of reflecting and blog writing is a pretty big project and I know I am a bit susceptible to taking on a little more than I can handle. So since I get to make the rules, I'm gonna combine this immense gratitude I'm feeling right to represent the past four days. Then I suppose I can be thankful that I'm all caught up! (Because it was weighing on me just a little...)

When I allow myself to get out of the mindset of "doing things right," then I just find the joy in what I do and however it turns out! Hopefully we can all let go a little more and just be in love with things the way they are.

Day 65: Ani!

Last night I saw one of my favorite performers live: Ani DiFranco.  She is a prolific folk musician who has stayed true to herself, leaving room for evolution as she discovers more and more of who she is. Through her growth, many have been inspired to be themselves even when that means being different.

It is hard to find the right words to say about the show, so I will just say what I felt. When the show started it occurred to me what a sacred space I was in. As I looked around, I thought about how most of the people there probably feel like outsiders in other places in their life. And in this space, they belong. You could feel it. 

We need more spaces like this. 

Day 64: A New Chapbook

Even though I already have 1 million things to do, I am so excited about this new project. Almost exactly, 1 month from today, I will be coming out with my first collection of poetry in over 10 years!

I got a call today from someone I met last Friday at the poetry event for YellowJacket Press.  He has his own independent local press and is hosting an event next month. One of the featured poets is not going to be able to make it and so he thought of me. Part of the deal is they will publish my book!

I have never been a writer seeking publication; my craft is performance. But I have thought in the past few years that it would be good to get some of my work out there on paper, that it would help expose my words to more readers. I just don't take the initiative. I've even had the editors of an literary magazines, upon hearing me recite somewhere (no doubt at a YellowJacket Press event) request me to submit work to their magazines. Have I, ever? NO.

So I take this opportunity as a divine request to get my literary ass in gear and put some work on paper.  I write because I want to share and as much as I talk about how we need to share at open mic, blah, blah, blah, I need not to be myopic in my sharing.  Yes, poetry is powerful when read out loud, but it can be just as powerful in the hands of another while they ponder your words in the silence of their heart. I see now that I need not to deny my words their power.

Day 63: Roommates who Garden

When I came home from work yesterday, this is what I saw out my bedroom window.

My roommates spent all day filling this new garden with new soil. They had put the border together a week or two ago, and have been growing some seeds in trays for a few weeks now. Almost before I knew it, things are ready to be put in the ground and now, look! There's some beautiful soil for them to go in. They inspire me to be less talk and anticipation, and more action and revelry.

I think a lot about growing stuff, but rarely actually make it out with shovel and seeds in hand ready to get dirty. There always seems to be plenty of stuff for me to do inside and then the sun goes down and its time for dinner and bed and maybe I will get to it tomorrow.  There is something to be said about doing now for what will fruit later. It takes a certain level of just enjoying the doing part.

So I am trying to do more for the sake of just doing, and not doing purely out of expectation of the fruits of the doing. I'm working on putting that home-grown salad that I may or may not be eating in a few months out of mind and just start enjoying digging in the sun.

Day 62: Full Day of Work

Though I, like most others, don't really want to work all day, I have to admit I have it pretty good. I had a full day of work yesterday, four clients, all in need and was at the office until 7pm on a Saturday. I took my forth client last minute and offered to extend my Saturday work day way later than usual, after already having a full day. It was one of those, "Well, because I like you, I will stay late." They are financially strained so I also saw them at 1/2 price.

I was a little worried that I'd feel resentful about working late for half of what I usually make. Lucky for me I absolutely LOVE what I do. By the end of the day I was feeling energized and accomplished and didn't even care about how much money I made by the end of the day.

I heard recently that happiness isn't about getting more but having enough. When our basic needs are not met, no food, shelter, or comfort, we are very unhappy. But beyond that, there's not much difference in the happiness levels of those who have enough versus those who have a lot. I'm not really sure where in that spectrum I fall, and I really don't care. Not only do I have enough, but I receive absolute joy out of what I do. Combine that with food on my table and a comfy bed and I'm ecstatic.  If I hated my job, I'd want more, but since I don't I can offer my service to those who need and be thankful for what they can give in return. Even if its not full price.

Day 61: Gianna Russo

One day while I was working at Sam Ash, many years ago, a guy came in to buy some things and we got to talking. He told me about this open mic near USF at what used to be Holiday Cafe. That guy probably has no idea that tip changed my life forever.

I started attending this regular Sunday night open mic and met my first poetry mentor, Charles Kory. Charles was in his first few years at USF and had graduated from the creative writing program at Blake High School.  Having listened to my poems for a few weeks, he said to me, "You know, you should go to Blake." I was already in my sophomore year at my neighborhood high school, but he told me that I can still get in my remaining years. So I took his advise and applied, a few months later I got accepted. 

My last two years of high school, I studied poetry with the teacher there, Gianna Russo. Gianna has been a staple of the poetry scene in Tampa for probably longer than I have been alive.  She helped me to write more, to write better, to help others become better writers through workshops. She took us to the Writer's Conference and guided us in the creation of chapbooks (small collections of poetry) our senior year.  My life was ever changed by those two years with her. I understood how the application of techniques to my self-expression created well-crafted poems, which often contained more truth than I was even aware of. It was through this process of creation that I felt a connection to something deeper. I would say in a small way, I felt like a mystic. Gianna was my experienced guide through these inner realms; she gave me the map to the intersection of my individual and the collective unconscious. She may not see herself this way, but for me, she was a shaman. 

Lucky for me, our relationship continued after high school. Almost 10 years later, I am a longstanding board member in her non-profit YellowJacket Press.  YJP publishes new chapbooks by Florida poets every year through two annual contests as well as hosts some of the best poetry events in Tampa. 

Though Gianna admirably hands credit over to her poets and students for their part in their creative work, but I will state right here that our love for our craft is no doubt infused with her belief in us. Though Gianna is not officially in the role of teacher for me, she still teaches me about community, dedication, and love of the arts. It is because of her the I KNOW that poetry can make the world a better place because I experience it.  She is just following her heart, but look at what beauty emerges from that. It's something that we all can learn from.   

Day 60: My TBI Clients

Years ago, I was hired by the VA hospital to come in twice a month to offer chair massage for family members in the poly-trauma unit. This meant mostly moms and wives of traumatic brain injury victims, who had left their lives from often across the country to be the main care-takers of their loved ones.  Talk about people that really need massage. There were  few who started to see me privately; several of them then asked if I could work on their son. This was how I began my experience with working with people suffering from a TBI.

It has now become one of my specialties. I have three clients I see regularly and cherish my time with them. These sessions have made me think outside the box of typical massage and learn how much communication can take place without words.  Though I can not "cure" them of their condition, or even guarantee that I can make them improve, it is obvious that they enjoy our sessions immensely. The mom of the client I saw today said once, "I think this is the only therapy that he really wants to come to."

These clients may not know it, but they teach me so much. Learning to connect with someone that can not talk, has severely limited mobility, and only sometimes is able to answer a yes or no question with gestures or facial expressions is possibly the most valuable lesson in human connection that I will ever get.

When I see them I have two main goals beyond relaxing them. The first is helping them to feel seen. Not just looking at the traumatized body in front of me, but the person within that. Though I am working with their body I left them know through words but mostly eye contact that I am acknowledging them as a person.  And it goes both ways, I know they see me too.

The second goal is to make them laugh. I'm no longer surprised by their ability to pick up subtle humor or remember a story I told them months ago. I know when they laugh I've connected with their spirit, and its in that moment they may forget their limitations or condition. Its in that moment that I do and all I see is a dear friend expressing joy.  

They've shown me that the way to deeply connect with another isn't through words or touch or anything that complicated. Looks and laughs, that's it.

Day 59: Sharing my Practice

Last night during my trying-to-be-more-consistent yoga practice, I had this moment of sudden wisdom. Occasionally, a thought comes into my head that feels too weighted to just be a thought. They are thoughts that can't be shook off or easily replaced by a new thought. They are thoughts that linger, steep, find their way into every bit of my body.  These are thoughts not to be ignored. These are more than thoughts, they are truth.

So last night, as I was moving from one pose to the next, it hit me: I chose to be spiritually alone. I don't think I really know the full truth of that statement, but there is something so right and almost comforting about this realization.

Without recounting the entirety of my spiritual life, I will state simply that I've felt alone through the journey. Maybe everyone does. Maybe that is the essence of the spiritual life. Maybe that is the fate of many of us living in a secular world without a secure and solid spiritual community around us. I don't know. But what I do know is that I've always felt out-of-place in some way. I've always longed for the spiritual community that I see others have, but I am unable to commit myself fully to any particular tradition. Usually, I say I am unaffiliated, which is a more neutral way of saying, "I'm spiritual, but just not religious."

In that flash that formed in my mind last night, I saw that so much of my life has been governed by this "aloneness" and I felt in that moment that it was not by chance or because of some wrongness with the world, but because there was a sacred choice I made when I come into this life that I would find my own path. It is amazing the power in recognizing one's choices.

Immediately after having that thought, I felt so thankful for my choice. I feel like I am free to find the divine in my own way, make up my own rituals, my own rites of passage, my own practices. I feel free instead of stranded.

***

I write this post in the aftermath of our second Tea + Meditation event. In all this aloneness, in cultivating the space within me, in my own way, I've found the profound connections this can create. Because I don't have a distinct community, all are my community. Tonight, nine of us shared a pot of tea and a moment together. All in our own space, yet we all affected the space for us all. I found myself saying, "You have a place, and that place is important." Then I hear the grandmother voice of wisdom within me whisper to the curious child beside her, "That means you too."

If I wasn't holding this space for others, those words wouldn't have emerged. They think I am leading the meditation, but I am being led too.

Day 58: Early Mornings

Most mornings I don't want to get out of bed. Not in the I'm-so-depressed-way but in the gosh-sleep-is-one-of-the-best-things-ever-please-more kind of ways. Being cuddled up under a blanket is one of probably my most favorite things in the world, especially after I've been laying there asleep for several hours. I'm warm, relaxed, a bit drowsy, nothing seems better than to keep sleeping.  It's amazing I ever get up at all. 

But, once I am up and moving, I feel so inspired by early mornings. It seems like more gets done and that it is easier to relax at the end of a day. It feels like it is the way a day was meant to be spent, seeing the full spectrum of the sun's hues, sunrise and sunset.  

I've been saying that I've been working on willing myself to be a morning person because I want to cherish the time of early morning.  I've gotten better but have longer to go. We will see how it goes tomorrow morning...

Day 57: Contemplation

I was blessed to get to spend some time this morning in contemplation. It is similar to time spend in the morning reading that I've also expressed a love for, but contemplation time is a bit different. It has some writing, some reading, some thinking, some moving, some breathing. Really I just allowed myself the time and space to explore "me."

Though I know and feel the immense importance of such time, I don't always end up with sufficient contemplation time.  But I made up for it today, and what do you know, I discovered a few things.

Where does your contemplation bring you?

Day 56: Un-perfectionism

Though I do prefer order and neatness over messy chaos, I am cool with some mess, enough to not consider myself a perfectionist. And I think that in the long run, it saves me a bunch of stress.

When I first got into doing decorative painting, I loved it so much and learned quickly that if I wanted to enjoy it for more than 5 min. I had to push aside my need to paint straight lines, or have the "right" colors, or even know all the details of the project.  It allowed me to make several super-creative pieces that I often gave away as gifts.  I noticed that those "mess-ups" that I might find I wanted to point out and apologize for were never noticed by anyone else.

Creation is mess, and almost everything is creation. If it's not creation, it is most likely destruction and we know that is messy. So then if something isn't messy, it's boring and possibly dead. I am grateful to be on the path of making peace with all this. But you know, that too, ain't neat either.

Day 55: Beach Weddings

Even more thankful for beach weddings the day after my birthday! My dear friend, Penny, got married yesterday at a cute place on St. Pete Beach. Since it was my birthday the day before I decided to turn it into a little weekend getaway.

And SO glad I did! The past year or so I've gotten a lot better at taking some time off every couple months. Because of the nature of my job, I rarely have weekends and end up doing some kind of work everyday. I've realized a direct correlation between my productivity and enjoyment of work with the frequency of "time off."  This weekend's relaxation, reconnection, and party time was just what I needed when I needed it.

Oh, and did I mention how much fun the it all was? So fun.

Day 54: Birthdays!

In celebration of doing whatever I want on my birthday, I'll just say this simple statement for this entry:

I am SO thankful to be have been born!

Alright, party time. : )

Day 53: More Hosts

So we've been running this Open Mic at Cafe Hey for 4 1/2 years. First it began with me and my friend Penny, but about a year into it we realized that we needed some help. I recruited one of our regular poets to start to host too, and shortly after we had another poet step up and say that he wanted to host. Since then we've had a solid team of the four of us, and would take turns with the responsibility of hosting.

I've been so grateful over the years for this commitment that the others have made. It is hard work running a show every week and it's a lot for just one or two people to manage. I don't think we would have made it this far without help.

And with help, we are going a long way. It's gonna be awesome.

Day 52: Off Work Early

I love my job, pretty sure I've said that before. I can work all day long and still feel great by the end of the day. That being said, it does feel good to be home sooner than expected.

Today was a long day. We started with meeting with my new doula client at 9am this morning. After some office work and lunch I saw two clients pretty much back-to-back. Then I started to get ready for my next client who called right about then to say they couldn't make it. Though I would have loved to work on them, the cancellation was a relief. I got to finish up the office work I didn't get to earlier and even run to the store to get some last minute supplies for my doula bag.

Last minute cancellations are not always a bad thing. Looks like someone gets to put her feet up. Ahhhhh....

Day 51: Free Yoga

Did you know that you get a free yoga class at the Lotus Pond during the week of your birthday? I didn't until an email appeared in my inbox yesterday. So tonight I totally took advantage.

I've only been to the Lotus Pond a handful of times, mostly for kirtan (Indian call and response chanting) events. But every time, I am transported by the beauty of the space. I feel like I am away on a mountain retreat, though I'm only a few steps away from my day-to-day life.

Well, their marketing worked because I've decided that the 20-25 min. drive is SO WORTH IT. Lotus Pond, may I see you again very soon.

Day 50: Emotional Release

For the past few weeks, I've felt that I needed to do a breath session. In the advanced bodywork system that I studied (Structural Energetic Therapy), we learned a technique in releasing emotional energy in the body that we call Emotional Energy Release Therapy, Emotional Release Therapy, Emotional Release,...you get the idea. It is based on techniques used in Alexander Lowen's therapy called Bioenergetics. We use a process of continuous, facilitated, deep breathing to charge the body with energy, break through energetic/emotional blockages, and allow more life/awareness/consciousness to flow through our body.

I've been feeling for a few weeks that I was due for a session. I would find myself being more upset about things than I knew I needed to be, or taking a long time to let something small go.  There were times of heaviness, of a lingering sense of unease, of only being able to see the things that were not going my way. I know better than this, but the funk was still there. Its because our bodies hold onto way more than we need it to, often the negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Those then come to shape our reality in negative ways, perpetuating the problem, and sometimes it is hard to get out of it.

As much as I didn't want to do a breath session today, my neck had been hurting the past few days and my throat was even a little sore (I think from yelling a lot this weekend at the Dance Party), I did it anyway. I breathed deeply in and out, knowing that I'd feel better in the end. I cried, yelled, screamed, even got up and hit the punching bag. I felt tingling throughout my body, a large concentration in a band around my diapragm/mid-torso and my hands. I got insights on the truly important things in life.

So many things went through my mind; though much of it are things that I worry about, I feel much better about them now. They don't have the charge they did previously. There is this feeling that everything really will BE OKAY.  I feel lighter and more clear-headed. Again, like whenever I return to yoga, I think, "What the heck took me so long?"

Oh yeah, and that neck pain, totally don't have it anymore. Amazing.

Day 48 & 49: Michael Jackson Dance Party!

I have so much gratitude for the Michael Jackson / Prince Dance Party that The Damn Jams and Mermaid Tavern put on this weekend, that it is going to be my gratitude post for TWO days.

A few months ago, The Damn Jams (which is the hippest radio show in town - check 'em out on Fridays from 12pm-3am on 88.5) had a dance party at the Mermaid. Being the dance enthusiast that I am, I was out there workin' the floor and trying to get more people on it.  I suggested to the dj to play some Michael Jackson, and sure enough, after only the first few bars of "Rock with You" the dance floor was packed. Wherever you are, people love dancing to Michael Jackson.

A few weeks after the show I started insisting to my friend who's a part of The Damn Jams that if they want to have a dance party, they need to just make it a Michael Jackson Dance Party. They decided that MJ / Prince would be the best bet for creating a show with wide appeal and rich musical stylings.  But it is clear who's music I was most excited about (no offense Prince...).

I have been counting down to this party for weeks. Since I learned the Thriller Dance for Thrill the World in 2009, I agreed to teach it to others interested in dancing in a flash mob in the show.  We connected with Lindsey Lumpkins, who is running Thrill St. Pete this year, and got her a few more dancers to join us.

In short, the night was amazing. AMAZING. I danced for at least 4 hours. Our flash mob came together, though the Mermaid was so packed we hardly had any room, but it was still amazing.

The whole thing was really a dream come true for me. I got to dance in a room full of people to a bunch of MJ songs, see an incredible MJ impersonator (Santana MJ - CHECK HIM OUT), and have the time of my life. The only thing better would be if this became an annual event. I'm ready to start working on that.

Day 47: Patterns

I noticed a pattern this week. I didn't post my gratitude yesterday for the second time this project. The last time I did this (or didn't do it rather) was last Friday. So that leaves me to wonder, what's the deal with Fridays...?

I will say the past two weeks have been extremely busy. As I have been known to say, I suffer from jack-of-all-trades syndrome. So though I am busy, everyone else is too so it's not really much of an excuse. But I'm busy with a ton of different things, which makes the business pile high and wide.

Good thing I have self-compassion to pick things up where I am at and move on...gratitude must continue!

Day 46: All Too Much

I love it when one of our regular open mic-ers goes up to the mic and plays my favorite song of there's without me even having to ask.

Tonight, Barry did just that. Barry's been coming to the open mic for a years now. Though he had been on a hiatus for a bit, this was his second week back and we are glad to have him. About a year and a half ago, he turned me onto a fabulous George Harrison song, called, "All Too Much." I have written about this song before, but I will do it again. 

In less words, I will just say that I hear this song and feel relieved to know that someone else feels the same way I do. I feel it characterizes both the beauty and despair of the spiritual life.

See what you think:

Day 45: Surprise Dinner Party

Last week my roommate and I made plans to have dinner with a mutual friend we hadn't seen in months. When we were going back and forth on what to make, I just said at one point that I'd handle it. I was off of work in the afternoon and really just felt like making a bunch of food. It turns out a friend of our other roommate's was coming over too, and so we had ourselves a mini-party.

I made salad, guacamole, fish, and rice (with help from the roommates), we played surrealist word games, talked about our trips over the summer, and had a great exchange of ideas and experiences. I feel so enriched, by food and company.

Its the simplicity of evenings like this that make me ecstatic just to be alive.

Day 44: La La La...

I've been singing songs lately. Not that me singing songs is out of the ordinary, but it seems to be occurring with greater frequency. Mostly it's random melodies containing mostly "la"s, but I will find myself doing it everywhere: work (in between clients, not during their sessions), home, out at the grocery if I don't watch myself. I've started to notice it and wonder what it means.

I know what it means: I'M HAPPY. One does not walk around singing happy little songs to themselves when they are depressed. When I hear myself now I just smile wider because I know it means I feel good and if there are others around it means I hope to spread the happiness. Now I do hope I walk the fine line between happy and annoying, and that if I cross it, someone would let me know. Until then, I'll just keep singing. 

Day 43: An Upgrade

Ever since I moved to my office a year ago, I have not been able to make a phone call from my cell phone (which is also my business phone) from inside the building. It has been incredibly inconvenient, resulted in many dropped calls and caused me to talk very close to the nearest window, which was often in another room. One of my other office mates had the same issue but switched carriers a month in. I was holding on for as long as I can.

So my phone started to break down in other ways recently, and I decided to take the opportunity to upgrade my phone and change carriers.  My dad offered to cover the cost of a new phone for my birthday and that's the part I am most grateful for. I wouldn't have gotten something so nice for myself, but took his phone recommendation and am happy with the result. It will even let me take some better pictures for this project. Super plus. I am blessed.

Day 42: I Love Yous

My yoga teacher recommended I integrate my daily gratitude with my daily yoga practice. He said fill my heart with the gratitude I feel for your daily gratitude for the day, with each breath. So today I was about to begin my yoga practice and I hadn't yet decided on what I was going to post as my gratitude for the day. Then, just like that, the answer came.

My friend that I hadn't talked to in a while called, so I decided to answer it. We spent about 10 minutes catching up and he ended the call the same way he does every time we part; he said, "I love you."

Most often I've shared those words with my parents, when parting in person or on the phone, and also some family. I also share those words with my boyfriend and a few close friends. Only recently have I started to cherish it more and more each time.

It seems like more of my friends have initiated "I love you"s within the past few years. Maybe its that I'm older and have known more people longer, or we are all more mature and know that "I love you" doesn't = "I want to have sex with you," or I'm surrounding myself with more loving people. Maybe, shmaybe, I don't really care what it is, I just want to say I love it.

Recently I initiated "I love you" with someone I feel close with but had never spoke the words in person. It felt amazing. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. <3

Day 41: Self-Compassion

So I missed posting my gratitude yesterday. I made up for it today so I am still on track but broke my posting-everyday-streak.

And I'm totally okay with that.

It's funny, we talked in my yoga teacher training class today about reciting mantras as a practice and how typically you want to do a practice for 40 days. I've heard elsewhere that if you break a practice, you should start again. I think it is funny that I broke this practice on the 40th day, but I feel it is a good thing I signed up for 101 because as far as 40 days are concerned, I've got 40 (plus 21) more days to get it right.

The truth is that it probably doesn't matter to anyone else whether or not I post everyday. So if I get upset about it, it's just about me. If I have compassion about it, I can move on and have gratitude for that. I'll go with that route.

Day 40: Acupuncture

Technically this should have been posted yesterday but who's counting?

Yesterday I received my first acupuncture treatment in months. I have this great friend who is also a great acupuncturist and the only person I let put needles all over my body. Her name is Dr. Becky Rubright and she is the owner of Living Harmony Healing Center in Seminole Heights.

Dr. Becky listened to me talk about where I'm at right now and we both decided that a "tree of life pattern" was the best option for me. Becky's approach to acupuncture incorporates sacred geometry and knowledge of the chakras.  For a metaphorical metaphysicist like me, this is perfect. We used my session to encourage my growth in all spheres of my life.

It was just what I needed!

Day 39: A Successful Open Mic

Over four years ago, my friend Penny and I decided we wanted to start an open mic, a place where people could come and share their thoughts, their crafts, and themselves in a supportive environment.  Luckily for us,  a good friend of ours had just opened a Cafe Hey and did not have an open mic night yet. So on May 28th, 2008, the Open Mic at Cafe Hey was born.

With the exception of a handful of nights, we've held open mic at Cafe Hey every Thursday night since. It's gone through many evolutions but one thing stays the same: Anyone is free to share whatever they want. It is amazing to see what unfolds in a space like that.

I've said for a few years that I would like to write the book on open mic. Maybe I will, but until then I will just keep sharing and be thankful to those who share too.

Oh yeah, and we won Best of the Bay from Creative Loafing for the second year in a row this week! That's quite a feat because I don't think any of us voted. At least some others did!